(Un)wise

Note to the reader: If you've been following the Judgements, everything starts to come together in this book. Bethi's special gift is dreams. When not otherwise clear that she's slipped into a dream, the beginning or end of the dream sequences are noted with {dream} for your clarification. Happy reading!

*****

I woke with a start, the terror of the dream still gripping me. Sweat coated my face, and my soaked shirt clung to my skin. I looked around the room. My room. Safe. I let out a shaky breath and tried to convince myself that the dream had only been a product of my imagination. Nothing more.

The alarm clock next to my bed showed just after five a.m., but it felt like I hadn’t slept at all.

Kicking off the covers, I got out of bed. Clothes lay scattered on the floor, shadowy lumps that I stepped over on my way to the bathroom. I turned on the light and scrunched my eyes against its bright glare for a moment.

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I leaned against the sink trying to shake the dream. It just wouldn’t fade. I dropped my hands to study myself in the mirror. Dark strands of hair stuck to my glistening pale face, an unnatural flush on my cheeks the only splash of color. Even my lips, usually a warm full pink, matched the surrounding colorless skin. Glassy bloodshot eyes, too wide and filled with lingering panic, stared back at me.

I took a deep, unsteady breath. It wasn’t real. I was still me. I let my breath out slowly with a self-deprecating laugh. I looked like crap and needed a shower. Great way to start my senior year.

The details of the dream continued to swirl in my head as I stepped into the shower. The lingering sensation of fur hides brushing against my legs scared me. It made it all seem more like a memory than a dream. A memory from an era long past, seen through the eyes of a woman who wasn’t me...yet she was.

She wore animal skins and stood outside her mud and grass hut. Other huts surrounded hers. The heavily clouded sky cast a grey gloom on the primitive village. Fear swelled within her. Her fear filled me as if it were my own. I saw what she saw. I was her...yet not.

People ran past her, sprinting between huts, terror in their eyes. Her stomach turned sour with panic. Her vision suddenly changed. The world disappeared, replaced by nothing but tiny sparks floating in a vast darkness. The sparks moved, flying past her in time with the sound of running feet. After a moment, I understood what she saw.

She had an amazing ability that enabled her to see the locations of people. The sparks shrank in size as the view expanded. Not just the location of those around her, but anywhere in the world. She focused on the immediate area worried about her family, using her gift to try to find them. She ran to check each spark. The tang of smoke drifted in the air. Her despair grew, and she ran faster.

All of the tiny sparks looked the same, making it difficult to find the right ones. Too soon, an orange glow illuminated the dark sky. Smoke burned her eyes and nose.

Close by, a different color appeared in her mind. Panic flared within her when she spotted the blue-grey sparks. She stopped running and stood still for a few seconds, terror squeezing the acrid air from her lungs. One heartbeat. Two. She hesitated. Despairing over her family, she spun away from the unique sparks. Her heart clenched, and tears clogged her throat. She left behind those she loved, hearing their dying screams as she ran.

The smoke masked her direction until the yawning abyss of open air loomed before her. Skidding to a halt at the edge of the cliff near her village, she watched dirt tumble over the ledge. She leaned forward, peering over at the broken rocks below. Hopelessness and despair filled her. There was no escape. Her thoughts filled me. Die as they had or die her own way? She continued to stare at the rocks below as she made up her mind.

I struggled to separate myself from her, to scream at her to stop; but inside her own mind, she couldn’t hear me.

She glanced over her shoulder and saw a huge beast running at her. A strange calm filled her.

I finally understood the fear and stopped struggling.

It looked like a wolf on steroids and had blood covering its muzzle. As she watched, it changed midstride from beast to man, never pausing.

She turned and flung herself from the cliff. As she fell, she twisted midair to look back at the fate she’d escaped. The man stood naked at the cliff’s edge, blood smeared across his face. He yelled in a language I couldn’t understand, but she did. He cursed her, saying they would never give up. They would wait as many cycles as it took until we were all theirs.

I woke before she hit the ground; but the fear, the feeling of freefalling, the willingness to die rather than to fall into the hands of that thing...it all stayed with me.

Several weeks later…

I needed a fix, and I needed it bad. Standing in the mall, I reviewed my options while nervously tugging the long sleeves of my shirt over my wrists to hide the scars there. Since it was a Sunday afternoon, nicely dressed kids trailed behind their equally neat parents in the packed mall. In my worn, dirty clothes from the day before, I stood out. The clerk in the drug store would certainly remember me from yesterday. I’d almost tipped over while waiting in line. When my turn came at the register, he’d looked me over and asked for my ID. His doubtful, long gaze at it had made my palms sweat. When he’d finally glanced up at me, he’d asked, “Are you sure you want these?”

I couldn’t go back to the same clerk. My ID was okay at a glance, but it wasn’t a great fake ID. And he’d wonder why I was back for more pills when what I’d purchased yesterday should have lasted at least three days.

Shifting from one foot to the other, I chewed on my nail knowing what I needed to do but hating it.

Dani and her friend, Cadence, loitered near the food court, talking. Dani stood six inches taller than me, had multicolored hair (pink and red today), and a cheek piercing to enhance her classic features. She’d get what I needed if I asked. I knew she had a soft spot for me despite her slightly tough appearance. She wouldn’t even ask for money though I did have it crumpled in my pocket. No, she was interested in something else as payment.

Everyone knew Dani swung the other way. Just like she knew I didn’t. But it didn’t stop her from asking for a kiss anyway. She didn’t demand a kiss from anyone else. The first time I’d asked for her help, I thought she was doing it to test me. To see if I was really serious about what I wanted her to buy. I’d been desperate. Yeah, I kissed a girl...and I didn’t like it.

If I was careful about when I bought, I didn’t need to ask her. I’d learned to be careful. I tried to wash up, change my clothes if there were any to change into; and I tried to close my eyes. Not to sleep. No, not that. I just tried to relax so I wouldn’t look like a troubled kid strung out on drugs. And I wasn’t. Strung out on drugs that is. I was definitely troubled. More troubled than anyone around me would ever guess.

I realized my train of thought had drifted and reined it back in. I needed caffeine, stimulants...whatever I could get my hands on over the counter to stay awake. Not forever. No. I tried to take thirty-minute naps throughout the day and night. If I did that, I could still function. Sort of. Not really. But it was better than the dreams.

Last night I’d finally succumbed. I’d slept twelve hours. I felt like crap today. I’d died again. Several times actually. I hated dying. The last one had been violent. Dogs that looked very human had torn me apart. They’d talked. Well, yelled really. They’d wanted me to choose. I didn’t know what.

A shiver ran through me. Just thinking about the dream made me tired. I ran my fingers through my oily, dark hair to comb it out, hoping it looked decent. I couldn’t remember my last shower and cringed at the thought of my mom seeing me like this. Thankfully, she worked. A lot. We communicated via notes left on the fridge. Mostly she told me to clean my room. I kept it strategically messy to help hide whatever it was I bought that week, day, hour, whatever... I sighed and rubbed my head. It ached constantly.

My wandering eyes shifted back to Dani. She watched me with a slight smile. She knew. I didn’t know how she could stand kissing me. I looked and felt like crap. At least I’d brushed my teeth before leaving the house. Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my faded, ripped jeans, I started making my way to Dani and the next torturous kiss.

“Bethi Pederson,” Dani said, flashing her straight white teeth at me. A smile. Friendly, but the sight reminded me of the snarling gleam from my dream. I fought not to cringe.

“I didn’t think I’d see you any time soon.” Her eyes roved my face, and she angled her head. “You don’t look so good, hun. What’s up?”

“Same clerk as yesterday. Can you—”

She didn’t let me finish.

“Bethi, maybe you’d be better off coming home with me and sleeping for a few hours.”

Cadence rolled her eyes at Dani’s comment but said nothing. I could just imagine what would happen if I went home with Dani. Though, looking into her soft brown eyes, the concern there made me hesitate. Sure, she’d probably put a move on me, but I knew she’d also try to get me to rest. To help me. I really did like Dani, just not that way. If only she knew sleeping was the last thing I needed. I needed peace. Two totally different things. The thought of someone helping me was tempting, but I knew I had to deal with this on my own.

“Thanks, Dani, but I can’t.” I pulled my hand out of my pocket and tried giving her the money.

She didn’t move to take it. “You know the price.” Her smile was gone.

“Why?” I partially whined unable to keep the anxious uncertainty from my voice. “You know I like guys, Dani. Plus, I look like hell. Probably smell bad too.”

She studied me for a moment. I tried to look confident, but my arms wrapped around me so I hugged myself.

“It’s your eyes,” she said, taking pity on me but shrugged away any further explanation.

I averted my deep blue eyes, which looked violet in certain light or on days when I got very little sleep. Against my pale skin and dark hair, they startled people with their naturally vivid coloring.

“As far as liking guys goes, I’m hoping you’ll change your mind.” Her lips curved in a soft smile.

I was glad she didn’t mention my smell. It would have hurt. I wanted to shower, but the warm water put me to sleep, and standing tense under a jet of frigid water wasn’t worth the pounding headache afterward.

Exhaustion made the floor dip and crest under my feet. Enough playing around. We both knew I didn’t have a choice. I closed the distance between us, fisted my hands in her hair, and pulled her down for a kiss.