5. Torn Apart.

~ CASPIAN ~

What have I done?

The question drips into my mind like poison.

I can still hear the gasps. The whispers. The silence that followed when I spoke those cruel words.

"You’re not Luna material. You never were.”

Those words keep replaying in my head like a broken song. The Luna Ceremony ended hours ago, but it still feels like I am standing there, on the altar, staring into her eyes as I destroyed everything between us.

Outside my windows, the night is still. I am sitting alone in my office. In the darkness. The fire in the hearth has long gone cold. Shadows stretch across the room, only dispelled by the few spills of moonlight shining through the windows.

I am alone. Completely isolated.

My back aches from sitting too long, and my hand keeps rubbing the middle of my chest to stop the sharp, painful swelling I feel under my shirt. The pain of rejecting her.

Also, there is something else going on inside me.

For about two months now, I have been having serious chest pains. Sometimes, it is even difficult for me to shift or communicate with the pack through our shared link. I think it started after the first reports came in about strange deaths in nearby packs, entire scout teams disappearing, their bodies found torn apart, as if wild animals had shredded them to unrecognizable pieces.

But no one is sure it was wild animals. We still don’t know what it was.

I secretly met with both the pack doctors and traditional healers, but they said they found nothing wrong going on with me.

But I am sure I am not feeling okay. I started to worry Jocelyn would be a target, hanging around me. She is gentle, trusting. She sees good in everyone, even when she shouldn’t. If something happened to her while she was standing next to me, I couldn’t live with that. So I thought... maybe pushing her away was the only way to protect her.

But I didn’t expect it to hurt me this much. And after everything that has happened tonight, I am afraid I might suffer worse.

The Nightfall Luna Ceremony should have been the happiest moment of my life. Fireheart was supposed to stand beside me, wearing her Luna crown, her smile lighting up the entire world like it always lights up my chest.

Instead…

I look down at the bouquet of moonflowers sitting on my desk.

They are not arranged neatly anymore. The petals—once white with a soft pink center—are smeared with dirt and scattered across the dark wood surface of my desk. One of them still has her scent on it. Soft jasmine and something sweeter underneath. The smell of spring mornings and peace.

They were Jocelyn’s. The ones she carried when she walked towards me, full of hope, ready to become my Luna. I remember when she picked them. She smiled when she showed me, her cheeks blushing red with excitement, asking me if they were too much.

I told her they were perfect.

And still, I watched as Lycena tore them from her hands at the altar.

I remember that moment clearly. The shock on Jocelyn’s face. The silence that fell over the pack. The look in her eyes when I said those awful words.

“I, Alpha Caspian King of the Nightfall Pack, reject you, Jocelyn Valdez, as my mate and Luna.”

The crowd was quiet then. All those eyes on us. I could’ve stopped it. I could’ve reversed my words and grabbed the flowers back from Lycena. I could’ve told Lycena to leave.

But instead, I stood there. And I broke Jocelyn. I didn’t even look her in the eyes when I said those words.

Now, the pack thinks I made a brave choice. They believe I picked a stronger Luna. Someone bolder. Fiercer. Someone who could lead beside me with power, not mere compassion.

But they don’t know the truth.

The truth is, I didn’t reject Jocelyn because she was weak.

I rejected her because I am afraid of what my current weakness will do to her.

Yes, everyone in the pack knows Jocelyn has no bloodline here. She was brought in by a stranger and she has no real connections within the pack. She was raised here, yes, but always from the fringes. No one truly saw her as part of us.

And yet, I saw her. Every version of her. Every scar. Every strength. Every silent stubbornness behind her glassy blue eyes and how she never gives up on anything or anyone.

How she loved me.

Maybe she would have understood if I explained, but I wasn't ready to take that risk of convincing her to suffer a lifetime of pain that I myself don't yet understand.

Rejecting her hurts, but what hurts the most is that I may never see her again.

She ran. I didn’t think she would do that. I thought… I don’t know. I thought she’d stay. I thought I could probably explain later. That I’d talk to her once Lycena calmed down. That I’d figure something out.

But she is gone.

The warriors I sent out to find her are still searching, but I am scared that they will never find her. I am scared I will never see her again. I never expected her to run away, but a part of me feels that I would have only hurt her if she remained with me.

Lycena is my Luna now. She is strong. I have no love for her and feel nothing towards her. I hope things will be easier this way.

Leaning back in my chair, I look outside the window. The trees are swaying in the night wind. A branch taps against the window like it wants to come in. Or maybe it wants me to get the hell out of my office.

Maybe I should have run away with Fireheart. Now, no one may ever know where she is. She left without a trace, without a goodbye, and I may never see her again.

She just vanished.

Since the end of the Luna Ceremony, my wolf has been restless. He has been frustrated. Uncomfortable. Distant. Weak. He has been like this for two months, but I feel he has gotten worse tonight. No matter how hard I try, I can’t feel his strength like before. It’s like something is blocking him, draining him.

And the rejection, I think it added to my suffering.

Just then, I hear a soft knock on the door. I don’t answer.

The door opens anyway.

“Caspian?” Lycena’s voice drips like honey.

I glance up.

She stands there at the doorway in a red silk night dress that hugs her like it was sewn onto her hourglass body. Her long hair falls over one shoulder, and she strolls into my office with that same slow confidence that once caught my eye—but never my heart.

She bullied Jocelyn. I will never love her. She means nothing to me.

However, she is glowing, while I am dying inside.

“You’re still here?” she asks with a soft laugh. “You’re not meant to work today, darling. Everyone has gone to bed. We should be celebrating. Tonight marks a new era for our pack. And for us.”

I say nothing.

Her eyes drop to the moonflowers on the desk. She picks one up slowly, rolling the bent stem between her fingers.

“Oh,” she murmurs, her voice sugary and fake. “Still thinking about her?”

I don’t answer.

“Your Josie ran.” She shrugs. “You gave her a chance to hold her head high and remain in our pack, but she ran like a scared pup. You did what needed to be done. She would’ve made a weak Luna. You saw it too.”

“She wasn’t weak,” I snap sharply, the words spilling out before I can stop them.

“Jocelyn was never meant for my role,” she continues. “She’s sweet, yes. But this world doesn’t need sweetness. It needs strength at all times. You know that.”

I clench my jaw.

“You made the right choice,” she purrs quietly this time. “You chose strength. Power. You chose me.”

“Jocelyn was brave and stronger than any of us.”

“Really?” she asks softly.

“She would’ve died trying to protect this pack.” I go on. “And judging from what we all did tonight, we would’ve shamelessly allowed her.”

Lycena chuckles. She circles the desk and stands behind me. Her hand brushes across my shoulder, then slides down my arm. Her black manicured nails graze the back of my hand with a light touch that fills me with nothing but nausea.

“Caspian, you did what had to be done,” she whispers. “You think you made a mistake, but in time, you’ll see I’m right. The pack needs me. You need me. I am your Luna now. Let me take care of you. Everything will be alright. Trust me.”

I close my eyes. Her words are so smooth and convincing. But nothing in my life will ever be alright without my Fireheart.

She even cursed me.

“You're a moron, Caspian, and trust me, you will never, ever be happy.”

Those words keep ringing inside me, and I know I will never forget them.

I open my eyes and look down at the flowers again. A petal chooses that moment to fall, landing softly on my thigh.

“I didn’t reject Jocelyn for power,” I defend quietly. “I did it to keep her safe.”

Lycena stops touching my hand. “She doesn’t want your protection, Caspian. She doesn’t want you. She left you. Just forget about her.”

She squats down beside me and reaches out her hand. Staring deeply into my eyes, her fingers trace along my jaw. Her touch is soft, but I don’t feel comforted.

I feel nothing at all.

Jocelyn is gone. Because of me.

And I can’t undo what has been done.